MARV Review

Oh, *Spider-Man: Brand New Day?* Really? It’s like watching a beige-toned, slightly-too-enthusiastic beige-toned existential crisis masquerading as a superhero flick. Four years? Four years of solitary brooding and meticulously crafted, utterly pointless web-slinging? Spare me. It’s profoundly underwhelming. The plot, which revolves around a man who’s essentially a glorified, slightly-less-badly-dressed spider, is less a narrative and more a meticulously crafted exercise in slow-motion despair. The “threat” is, predictably, a slightly-less-badly-dressed spider. It’s a remarkably dull threat, I might add – a spider that *almost* looks menacing. The characters? Let’s just say they’re about as dynamic as a lukewarm cup of instant coffee. Peter, the eternally-alone hero, is a monument to apathy, a walking, talking embodiment of ‘what could have been.’ The supporting cast? A collection of vaguely-dressed individuals who seem to have been assembled by a particularly bored committee. And the cinematography? It looks like someone spilled a bucket of glitter on a poorly-lit photograph. Seriously, the lighting is actively trying to induce a migraine. It’s like watching a particularly tragic watercolor painting. The whole thing is so profoundly, profoundly *uninspired* that it's almost… pleasant? Almost. It’s the kind of film that makes you want to throw a wrench in your eyeballs and yell at the void. I give it one star, and that’s only because I’m genuinely terrified of what’s coming next.