MARV Review

Let’s just say Xander Cage is channeling a particularly dull shade of beige. “XXx,” you say? More like “Xander Cage’s Existential Dread.” It’s a cinematic experience so profoundly underwhelming, it’s practically a beige-flavored disappointment. The plot? A bunch of Russian thugs, a shadowy government agency, and a guy who looks like he’s just emerged from a particularly bad hangover. Seriously, it’s like watching a poorly-animated video game. The characters? Gibbons? A man who looks like he’s perpetually regretting his life choices? It’s a performance so aggressively bland, it could curdle milk. And the “world domination” plot? It's less a threat and more a suggestion that the Russian mob could stage a surprisingly effective picnic. The action sequences? They’re less “spectacular” and more “slightly frantic attempts to avoid a particularly dull stain.” The car chases are so predictable, they could be programmed into a toaster. The gadgets? Let’s just say they’re designed to be utterly useless. It’s like watching a guy try to assemble a miniature replica of the Eiffel Tower with a spoon. Honestly, the whole thing is a colossal waste of a Saturday night. I’ve seen more coherent action in a particularly slow-paced episode of “The Office.” Don’t expect to feel anything, just a vague sense of irritation and a lingering urge to re-watch a rom-com. Four out of five stars. That’s a maximum. And even then, I’d be giving it a one.