MARV Review

Oh, *Moana*, is it? You’ve managed to create a plot so aggressively beige it practically begs to be filed under “mildly boring.” Apparently, a demigod needs to go on a boat? Groundbreaking stuff. And the ‘unforgettable journey’? Please, let me just build a sandcastle and enjoy my solitude. The narrative structure resembles a particularly frustrating algorithm – endlessly repetitive and ultimately leading nowhere with a splash of turquoise water. The characters are so profoundly uninteresting they could be molded into adorable clay figures, judging by their… existence. And Maui? Let’s just say he’s currently sporting an impressively wide grin that suggests he anticipates a very long vacation. Don't expect heroic feats; expect mildly irritating animation. Prepare for a cinematic experience guaranteed to induce existential dread. 4 out of 5 stars – mostly because it didn’t suck.”