MARV Review

“Toy Story 5? Oh, please. It’s like watching a beige-colored explosion of manufactured nostalgia. A slightly less beige explosion, perhaps, if you’re into existential dread disguised as a children’s film. The plot? A slightly less irritatingly saccharine plot. The characters? Let’s just say they’ve achieved peak levels of passive-aggressive indifference. Buzz, a perpetually disgruntled robot, is *clearly* plotting something. It’s a masterpiece of bleakness, really. And the ‘new threat’? A slightly shinier, less aggressively sad puppy. It’s a triumph of cinematic mediocrity. The audience, bless their little hearts, are probably enjoying this because they're simultaneously horrified and completely indifferent. It's a testament to human patience, really. I spent a good twenty minutes trying to find a single, genuinely engaging moment. Spoiler alert: there weren’t any. Just a lot of poorly executed CGI squirrels. Seriously, squirrels. Don’t even get me started on the voice acting. It’s like a poorly-tuned dial-up modem trying to mimic human emotion.”